Warrior's Chili

Chili is not a precise thing. You need to do it a few times, and learn how the ingredients interact. And by interact, I mean battle. Where other foods rely on their ingredients pairing and working together, chili is made of war, for warriors. The sugar fights the peppers. The cheese fights the onions, the oil fights the vinegar, the tomato fights the meat, and the beans fight your gastro-intestinal system.

What you will need:

1 deep cast iron pot. This must be thick metal, and you will want a wooden spoon (and a metal spatula in case things start to go south in the deglazing department)...

olive oil (regular (or whatever cooking oil you like), and extra virgin)

garlic (1/2 bulb diced, refered to as a shitload)

Serious peppers, or novelty hot sauce.(suggested spicy ingredient. you can substitute bell peppers if you are not a warrior) This is the most important ingredient, and if you find yourself with an assortment of medium - hot peppers you may find that roasting or smoking them before adding to the chili will yield better results. My current high score came from 3 poblanos, 2 jalepenos, 1 serrano, 1 thai chili, and 1 habenero, all roasted with oil in the toaster oven (do this under a vent or next to an open window to keep kitchen habitable).
I did that write up a few years ago and added the bit about pre-roasting the peppers recently, because that is a trick I discovered in the meantime. If you pre-roast your peppers, you can add them a bit later with the tomato, and skip over that capsicum in the air bit. If you bbq 1 - 3 days before, smoking the peppers over the embers afterward is an insanely good way to make them super flavorful, but make sure to put them in something airtight that you can get the juice out of so you don't lose too much goodness in storage. Cooking peppers dulls the spice a bit, but brings out other flavors that are totally worthwhile. Each type of pepper has different parts (pith, peel, and seeds) and those parts have different levels of spice - its worth experimenting to find out what is what if you like to cut them up.
If I'm feeling lazy, 1 or 2 chopped jalepenos is fine. But a warrior never lets their guard down, so never admit to taking a shortcut.



Curry powder, paprika, coriander seed, turmeric, cayenne pepper, sugar, kosher salt, telecherry pepper (suggested dry rub. As long as you have the sugar, salt and cayenne, you don't need all the rest)

1 large red onion

~1.5 lbs chuck/stew vennison cut into small cubes (1/2 bite sized) (after cutting, apply dry rub and allow this stuff to reach room temperature (feel free to substitute a preferred meat))

~16- 24 oz peeled pear tomatoes canned

~15.5 oz small white beans, navy beans or canelini (etc. this particular bean does not matter and can be replaced with black beans if you think that will look better)

~15.5 oz dark red kidney beans. DARK RED, OR YOU WILL RUIN EVERYTHING

~15.5 oz garbanzos (these are also called chick peas)

(note on beans, you should get them canned, and wash them. peel the little shells off the garbanzos by pinching them lightly. discard those shells, they will get stuck in peoples teeth. Even warriors don't like that shit.)

vinegar (balsamic)

~ 1/8 cup honey or 1/4 cup sugar. honey is way better. Don't use both, and don't use too much of either. I AM WATCHING.

a shitload of cheese. I am totally serious, do not even think about skimping on the cheese. You cannot have too much cheese, but lack of cheese will ruin the chili. (Ammendment: in my old age I've started making my chili without cheese, its fine, I'm not really a warrior anymore.)

Cilantro, fresh, washed, and diced.

a little tiny can of tomato paste, just in case. You never know. You might not need to open this. Don't worry, I've got another recipe that you can use it on if it goes unneeded.

Sour cream, for serving.

Cooking instructions:

Put regular olive oil in the bottom of your crockpot / cast iron beast. some salt in the bottom of the pan and crank the heat ALL THE WAY UP. Put a piece of the onion in there to test the heat. Once the oil starts to make the onion sizzle, it is time to add the meat. Put it in flat against the pan so you get that maillard reaction, then add the onion so the oil doesn't splatter. Once the onion starts to get soft, add your spicy ingredient. capsicum may be released into the air when you do this, and that is okay. Suffer through it for at least 5 minutes. You are doing this for the chili. If there is no liquid on the bottom of the pan at this point, deglaze it with a little water, and wait for that to boil off except for a thick sludge around the meat before proceeding. If there is liquid, add the beans. all of them at once. yeah you heard me bean that chili. If you're from Texas, swallow your pride first. Mix it all up and deglaze again if you are getting buildup on the bottom of the pot. mush up your tomatoes with thumb and finger one by one before throwing them in. do this in the can, or they will squirt everywhere. then add the liquid. stir the whole pot up and see how it looks. lower the heat down to medium. If it is too watery at any point, add the tomato paste, and cook for an extra five minutes before proceeding (adding some water if it goes too dry - don't worry, the tomato paste will soak it up, just add it bit by bit and stir it in). cook as long as you can stand to cook at this point, then add a splash of vinegar, your honey, and stir around. when it seems just about done, add your garlic, and a little extra virgin olive oil. not before. Stir it and watch for another 3-5 minutes. Last, add the cheese and cilantro. These two ingredients should only be in the pot long enough for the cheese to melt (so you can probably add them after removing the pot from the stovetop).

Serving instructions: I hope you remembered to make rice to go with it. you didn't did you. Oh well, your friends can just deal with it. Pair with beer, not wine. There is no wine that goes with chili. Allow your victims to serve themselves.

Failure to communicate, part IV

This is part of a four part story, which starts here.



Thin Flannel made a binding pajama hammock and doubled as a bandage for my now bleeding arms, chest, and leg. A skateboarding mohawk-wearing punk across the street showed no interest in assisting me when I called for help, so I decided to change my approach. Really what I needed here was some manners. A neighborhood lady passed underneath me about 30 minutes later, and I decided to try my plan. "Excuse me, what are you doing down there?" I asked, trying to keep a calm, unaffected tone. It worked! She looked up at me, and sort of cocked her head to the side. Now I had her attention, I just had to convince her to find my parents, so they could get me that glass of water (and maybe… down from here). "Hi, my name is Max; would you help me find my parents?" She was starting to realize that I was in trouble, "You… Wait there… DON'T MOVE". She obviously needed further convincing, "I am stuck, I won't move". She suddenly noticed that I was stuck on a barbed wire fence. After a quick interrogation about which apartment to get my parents from, I agreed to this course of action, and she bounded off for help. Soon a small rescue party from the apartment building began erecting ladders in order to assist me. My father was elected "deputy of getting tangled up in razor wire with your crazy son" by the apartment ladder committee, and took his duty seriously. He quickly became as lacerated as I was, but managed to get us both down, which was a big improvement, and his presence prevented the skeletons further efforts to break out of the basement in order to do whatever it was that skeletons did to little boys. Ate us, probably, or maybe just kept us prisoner in their empty rib cages.

Eventually, I was back upstairs, with dressed wounds and washed hands and feet. My garlic was still there, and my parents commented on it when they tucked me in. how had I come by the garlic, and what role did it play in my life. Apparently, getting hung by my pajamas on an anti-theft device was a great way to get attention from adults! Maybe I should do this more oft-- well, maybe if I tried it again I wouldn't survive the skeletons. They knew what I looked like now; I would have to be more careful in the basement for a while.


fin

haiku

force flower open
winter would not have let it
why throw it away