Martian Sunrise

So, this is what it looks like at dawn, somewhere on mars. My plan is to create a mix drink inspired by this picture, and call it a Martian Sunrise. It may or may not contain bizarre toothpick constructions, grenadine, orange juice, pineapple juice, tomato -wait what the fuck tomato?!! Max, you are not making any sense!- ...well it was just an idea I haven't made the drink yet, give me a break. -Well if you put tomato in it it will be disgusting- GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN -NO WAY THAT IS JUST A BAD IDEA JUST STOP IT- but it might... it might be good how will I know if I don't try? -Okay, ONE "TOMATO NASTY", COMING UP!- Wait no it is called a "Martian Sunrise" and... oh nevermind...

Anyways, they say that the sunrise on Mars is enough to drive a man mad. Don't worry though, I'm not mad, he raised his voice first.

On bullshit.

Before you do something, simplify it. What is the jist of what you are attempting to do? Now discard the bullshit. Okay, you are ready to do a thing.

I was going to write a long blog entry on this, with examples, stories, morals of stories, and a bunch of other bullshit. Then I simplified. I just wanted to tell people to cut out the bullshit. So I did.

You are standing on a desert road, beneath some sandy cliffs. The entire landscape is silent except for a lone cricket, chirping at a tumbleweed. It seems to be rolling in spite of the total lack of wind. All the vegetation here is leafless. Your old friend, the lantern, sits at your feet.

:D

One of these peppers is hot enough to give you the hickups. Credit: Sarah's garden

Rad Beets

Beets are simply amazing. If only it were possible to understand them.

When you pick beets, look for a better bunch than the one on top. Grocers tend to put them in uneven bunches, and you can easily get an extra half pound of beets by just picking a better bunch. Look for one big one and two small ones instead of three medium ones. Also, look for healthy stems and leaves. You are buying the ingredients for two separate dishes, when you buy a bunch of beets - a set of fibrous greens and a vitamin rich bulb. When you get them out for cooking either part, you should wash them thoroughly (especially the greens, they tend to absorb dirt and grit in the folds of their leaves. Cut the stems an inch or two from the bulb, and scrub the bulb with a vegetable brush under cold water to remove dirt. I am going to talk about the bulb in this recipe, but you should cook the greens later.

To get the most flavor out of your beets, do not peel before cooking, and do not boil them. You cna wrap them in tin foil and roast them at 450 F for an hour or so, and then run cold water over them and peel them. If they are done, the peel should come right off with a little pressure, and you shouldn't need a peeler or anything. Do this under the cold water, as the beets will be filled with heat. If you are wearing a white shirt, press the largest beet against the center of your chest for 30 seconds. Now you have some prepared beetroot, and you can do whatever you want with it. This is the way to get the most beet-flavor out of beetroot, as boiling, or peeling before cooking will cause them to come out flavorless and feeble. For this recipe, put the beets in the fridge for a few hours, to cool them off. You don't want them melting your cheese.

Okay now take em out, cut up some fresh mozzarella, and toss in some arugula and maybe some olives. Cut up the beets, and dress the whole salad with extra virgin olive oil, sea or table salt, black or green pepper, and a little bit of lemon or balsamic vinegar, but not more than a capful of vinegar or half a small lemon. You really don't want much acid in your beets. Maybe none at all. Maybe you should try it without the vinegar first. If you don't like things to be purple, you should only toss this salad when you are ready to eat it, as the beet color will leak into everything.

Peanut Sauce

This recipe makes a jarful, and I recommend starting with the last third of a jar of peanut butter, so that you have something to shake it in.

4 large scoops of peanut butter (or approximately the bottom 1/4 - 1/3 of a jar. I like "teddy's" - its just peanuts. you don't need anything but peanuts and maybe salt in your peanut butter.  

4 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

2 tablespoons sesame oil

4 tablespoons honey

2 tablespoons chili paste (or use real legit chilis and garlic, the better option) (I like that chili garlic paste in the plastic jar with the rooster, but just find some spicy, acidic stuff to add and sub it in. use less if it is hotter, the first time you make this)

1 tablespoon kosher salt

2 teaspoons garlic powder (if you use fresh garlic, it won't keep as long, but will taste better. judgment call)

maybe some lime juice

Now put everything in a jar and shake. if it doesn't mix, add some vinegar (or water) a little bit at a time and shake some more. If it is too thick, you can thin it out with more vinegar.

If you are serving it raw, add cilantro. If you are using it as a glaze to cook on meat or tofu or something, put shelled raw or lightly roasted peanuts into it, they will roast and release more peanut oil into the mixture.

Make it once by the book, and then play around and develop your own style. If you make it thicker, it is a good spread for toast, and if you thin it out with some vinegar or cucumber/tomato juice, it makes an unbelievable salad dressing.

Dedicated to Marsha Green Oyer, who taught me to hate myself for my sexuality and gender.

On time, timing, and time remaining.

(11:21:34 AM) Peach: max
(11:21:34 AM) Peach: max
(11:21:35 AM) Peach: max
(11:21:36 AM) Peach: max
(11:23:20 AM) me: hey?
(11:23:54 AM) Peach: HI!
(11:25:07 AM) me: HI!
(11:25:14 AM) me: whats up?
(11:26:22 AM) Peach: nothin
(11:27:09 AM) me: oh?
(11:27:12 AM) me: nothin?
(11:27:18 AM) Peach: nope
(11:27:18 AM) me: just GETTING MARRIED IN A WEEK
(11:27:21 AM) Peach: just wanted to say hi
(11:27:26 AM) Peach: AND ONE DAY
(11:27:30 AM) Peach: and 7 hours
(11:27:43 AM) me: and 3 minutes
(11:28:12 AM) Peach: 2 minutes

For detailed information on exactly how long you have to wait for Olga and Gino to be married, click on it.

James went to Hawaii

And he didn't make volcano chicken.

But I guess he went scuba diving, so I still awarded him some adventure points. You can't see photos yet on his photostream which is here. No pressure, James.

A couple weeks ago...

I was running down a mountain, on a wide, steep path. It was smooth, and made of carefully placed cut quarry stone that was now covered in moss. The moss was damp from a recent rain, and I was sliding on it. By remaining light on my feet, I could essentially ski down the mountain, and as it was dusk, I chose to take advantage of the state of the moss rather than suffer from it in the dark. I reached the bottom quickly, and as I started to slow my decent I crossed the path of an old woman just starting up the mountain with her dog, a large, dark grey wolfish creature with piercing metallic eyes, calmly pushing a golden brick back and forth across the ground. I hopped over the brick and skipped around the dog, as I had no time to wonder why these two were just starting to climb the mountain at this hour.

The dog crossed my path again as I approached the large metal gate at the bottom of the trail, only he had become a large cat - perhaps a mountain lion. I only knew him by those metal eyes. He pushed the brick across my path again, and again I declined to converse with or wonder about the creature, it's brick, or what had become of the old woman. I passed through the gate, and the creature, now a raven, flew toward me, with the golden brick in it's claws. It was very little effort to avoid it's path again, so I did so, but it immediately came at me a fourth time, and so I grabbed the brick.

"Leave me be", I yelled at the creature, but it was now a bat, and attempted to bite my hand. I had a firm grasp on the brick, and the memory of the creatures more formidable guises loomed in my mind, so I slammed the creature against the wall twice, crushing it with the brick. It was now a rat, and I was awake, and it ran into my bedsheets. I lept out of bed, and turned on the light, but there had been no rat in my bed, it was just the last wisp of a very powerful dream. If I was more superstitious, I would be looking up various animals in books of omens or spirit guides. As it happens, I think I am just going to not ever again eat smoked salmon and bok choy before bed.

Another Recipe

Tequila Chicken!

2 whole pairs of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Fat trimmed off, that crap will just be chewy and gross.

3 limes, which should be a little mushy, so that you know they contain copious joice.

1/2 clove of fresh garlic. Peeled and chopped fine.

Kosher Salt

1 red onion. diced or sliced, however you want.

4-6 tablespoons of fresh cilantro, chopped fine. If you use stems, seperate the stems and chop them finer.

Inexpensive Tequila. Cuervo or Sauza are fine.

Olive Oil (not extra virgin)

Pour a few tablespoons of oil on the bottom of a large cast iron frying pan. Crank the heat up as high as it goes, and yell something in a language that is unfamilliar to your guests. Drop the garlic in the bottom of the pan, and wait for that sizzling sound that means the oil is heating up. scrape the garlic into two piles, and drop the chicken breasts on them. Sprinkle some salt on the other side of those bad boys. drop the onions into the gaps where the bottom of the pan is exposed. Wait a couple minutes, then drain a lime over the chicken. the juice of the lime should seperated it from the pan so you can flip it. The up side should have garlic stuck on it, and be a nice brownish color. Sprinkle some salt on that, and wash it off with the rest of the lime, over the next 3 or 4 minutes. Now take a pair of tongs, and a sharp pairing knife, and lift up the breasts, cut them in half along the middle, then butterfly them open, exposing the raw middle. When you put them back in the pan, face the raw side down. When all four breasts are in the bottom of the pan again, push the onions on top of them, and pour 4-5 shots of tequila over them. Light that shit on fire. Yes, fire. RIGHT AWAY! This will burn most of the alcohol off, but you should also let it reduce for a minute, rubbing the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon to deglaze the meat/onion residue into the tequila reduction. When the sauce is thick and caramelized, push the whole thing onto a serving plate before it burns. Look up at the clock. This whole thing took about 15 minutes to make from start to finish. Damn you are good!